All Voices are Valid: Personal Reflections of Living with a Speech Impediment

“Huh”…“Could you just write that down?”…“Do you need me to speak for you?”…“You talk funny”.” These phrases make up many that I have heard throughout my life. Due to being born three months prematurely, I have a simple speech impediment that is generally met with two reactions. While some people will embrace me without hesitation and talk to me easily, I have encountered others who completely ignore and dismiss my presence.

Imagine introducing yourself and someone responds two octaves louder because they assume you cannot hear or they talk so slowly you start to see the wrinkles form around their mouths. People offer their unwanted advice about how I should deal with this impediment; and in the same breathe, share what I am capable of doing in spite of it.

I have even had trained physicians urge me to consider my medical history before having kids. I would not want to pass it down to them, of course. Wait, how come none of them have the same affliction though? Because it is not hereditary. Duh.

These constant assumptions often seem endless, but I know better than to be defined by a disability just because someone else says that I must have one. This essay will explore how the misconception of perception could cause people like myself to pivot into the box that society has set for us. But this is how we define the conversation.

Perception vs. Reality

You may have heard that perception and reality are the same thing, but it is more like a Mandela effect. When people hear me speak, they perceive all sorts of things. However, I reinforce the reality of my speech on a weekly basis. Such as, no one talks for me.

 My perception is challenged daily because I believe that people will be good before they are bad. There are plenty of times that I am let down by the reality of things. It actually has been a great barometer to gauge who to put my energy into though. People will show me; often through superficial smiles, how unsure they are of how to handle the words trickling out of mouth and then it happens…the assumption that I am disabled, then they are looking around for who may be with me so that they can speak for me. Either that or they try to escape the situation all together.

I am well aware that the word ‘disabled’ is a strong and limiting label to put on someone. In my case, it equates to the fact that I must be cognitively impaired in some manner only because my speech can be hard to understand. An unfortunate reality for myself and others is that many people won’t take the time to listen and learn before jumping to conclusions. However, these experiences have allowed me to confidently say that my speech impediment will not define me. This speech impediment does not bother me or keep me from talking to people that I meet because I know exactly what I am saying.

Personal Accounts

Argosy College; which is no longer in business, accepted me into their Psy.D. program in 1999. Shortly after the fall semester began, eight professors took their turns; in a private meeting, to berate me because I refused to use a recorder to talk for me during the intake process with clients. They told me I had a disability. When I challenged the label, each of them took it further to harass me to take that label “or else”.

During the interview process to get into the Argosy program my speech impediment was not mentioned or alluded to one time. So why did it matter now? These professors were all psychologists who saw clients on the side and not one of them defended me. Imagine this being one of your first impressions of an institution.

I drove home thinking, “they are professors and psychologists who are surely smarter than I am about this. I have been disabled this whole time and no one told me…not my boyfriend, family, lifelong friends, work colleagues, or fellow students in my undergrad classes.”

 I decided to call the ADA hotline. If I was accepting this, I needed to know what to do to meet the criteria of being disabled. The gentleman on the line asked me one simple question…do you think you are disabled? I said…”No.” He then said, “you are not disabled then. The ADA doesn’t tell you that you are disabled, you tell the ADA that you are disabled.” The legal definition of disabled is someone with a physical or mental impairment, or a record of one, that limits major life activities.”

I ended that call more pissed off with myself because I allowed strangers to cause me to doubt what I already knew.

Curious…does this assumption happen to people from different cultures when they have a heavy accent or those with a southern drawl?

An incident that happened last year, reminded me high school never ends. Not the glorious time of parties, sex, friends and laughter. The time in high school when everyone was petty about looks, money and culture. The time when it was the norm to make fun of someone who was different from you.

Even after earning a doctorate degree and starting an online magazine, professionals have overlooked me because of my speech. Last year, I made time to attend an AASECT conference to promote, advertise, and market my online magazine in the hopes that attendees and fellow vendors would want to be a part of a publication that freely and openly discusses sex. At the MSTI table, I literally had to knock on the table for the one of the Directors of the program to even look at me and even after getting her attention, she would not engage with me. I continued to walk from table to table and discovered that the vendors and people who talked to me the easiest were not even associated with AASECT. Another lesson in perception and reality.

You Define What’s Next

This is not a woe-is-me article, I only think about having a speech impediment when stupid people remind me I have one. I am sharing because I know all voices are valid. In spite of society reinforcing what is and is not appropriate, I understand the feeling of being unseen. This reflection is a reminder to anyone who has been blindsided by societal standards.

One part of who you may be due to nature, does not sum you up entirely.

I became a Clinical Sexologist and started Kiss & Tell Magazine (K&T) because I saw the need for a bigger conversation. Like many others in sexual health, I thought, “WTF would you rather talk to a physician or a psychologist that may have taken one class on the subject of sex than someone who is trained in the field?” Society has decided what we should and should not talk about, the basis of sex and sexuality being a part of that. But why?

The goal for K&T and myself is to remind people how acceptable it is to talk about sexuality and sexual health. It should not be superficial content that keeps people ignorant. It’s okay to talk to someone who has a disability or; in my case, a perceived one. It’s okay to learn from someone who is different than what you are used to. We have proven that we are still human beings, ones that lead meaningful lives everyday who are capable of causing real change. And we won’t wait for others to catch up.

CONCLUSION

 Kiss & Tell Magazine has gone through many journeys since its conception. People trying to make it into mainly a sex toy magazine by offering me a lucrative partnership, while others interjecting what is and is not appropriate to talk about. I have been asked many times…why I started the magazine, and my answer is simple.

The public should freely talk about sex and sexuality without whispering.

I have created a space that celebrates this topic and all of its layers. I understand the concept of Kiss & Tell in another way besides sex. The evolution of K&T has been a reflection of my personal journey, which is through my speech impediment. I don’t have the luxury of pretending this aspect of myself doesn’t exist because once I speak it’s out there for everyone to hear.  I want people to know me…I have nothing to hide.