One issue my clients – who have relationship problems – often complain about is the fact that sex is not spontaneous anymore. They remember the early days in their relationship when they had sex all the time. It just happened, there was no planning, thinking or scheduling sex involved and it was usually fun and exciting.
But after this phase of a relationship, known as limerence, wears off, sex will become less frequent and less spontaneous. The focus is more on day-to-day routine; things gradually change and they wonder where that beautiful lustful romance has gone.
What happened to the strong desire and passion they once had?
Sex may still be good but not that exciting anymore, sometimes it may have become a chore.
This may also coincide with becoming more domestic, working long hours and for some couples starting a family and having babies, leaving little spare time left. But that doesn’t mean that the great sex you used to have should also be gone – you just need to find ways to keep your relationship interesting
Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth, it just isn’t. Sex doesn’t just mysteriously happen; if you want to have good sex you have to create the time and space to get in the mood and look forward to it. The best way to do that is planning or scheduling sex, which can be as romantic and enjoyable as other pleasurable planned activities.
We don’t just plan everyday household needs and tasks, we also plan other activities just for enjoyment. When you plan a beautiful dinner, you have to work out what to buy and cook. When you go on a holiday, you have to decide when what destination and what hotels to book. These activities involve anticipation, which is part of the fun. So why should planning to have sex be any different?
You just have to make time for sex and make it important
What about the often-ridiculous amount of time many people spend on social media, checking Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter for hours. This is another important issue couples complain about – no time for intimacy, no time to talk to each other and sex has gone on the back burner. For a way to solve that, check out this interesting video advertisement.
Often women tell me they have to be in the mood, they have to feel sexual, it “should just happen“. I explain that they may have to wait a long time because feeling sexual and wanting sex need anticipation and mental foreplay. I remind them of the early days when they were dating when they would wash the sheets, shave their legs and wear sexy underwear to make sure they would look good, just in case! Wasn’t that also some sort of planning?
The most important thing to keep your relationship happy is real communication so make sure you find time to talk to each other properly. It is not the responsibility of your partner to read your mind and make you happy, so it is important to tell your partner about your needs or feelings and vice versa.
Some women believe they have lost their libido, but often they are just bored. Most men and women refuse to have sex with their partners when they are fighting – who wants to have sex with someone they are angry with! So talk about the reason for the anger first.
There are many ways to bring passion back to your sex life and if you are still hesitating about the idea of planned sex, have a look at these simple suggestions on how to do it.
- Determine which time of day you prefer to have sex. It doesn’t have to be at the end of the evening when you go to bed and both of you are tired or exhausted. It needn’t be in the bedroom either – use your imagination.
- Not everybody likes sex early in the morning, but give it a try, set your alarm half an hour earlier. Plan having sex during the day or on the weekend – when it may be easier for parents to have the children looked after and somewhere for a while.
- Childless couples should decide what’s more important on Saturday or Sunday morning – the early morning jog or the gym – or sex.
- Going to bed naked can be a nice surprise, or wearing occasionally some sexy lingerie can do the trick.
- Make foreplay important, send sexy messages, give your partner more compliments, show your desire, do more kissing, touching, rubbing, or hugging.
My advice is to stop focusing on whether or not sex is spontaneous. Start focusing instead on how to make it happen more.
Keep in mind, if you don’t plan time with your partner to have sex and be intimate, desire can slowly fade away.
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This post originally appeared on Linkedin Pulse and was published on July 21, 2017. This article is republished here with permission and updated on September 01, 2021.