You may have heard these words from your mother, sex ed teacher, or favorite rom-com; sex brings people closer together. This is not just true regarding our bodies and hearts, but our minds and souls too. When you become connected by sex, you and your partner begin to develop a bond unlike any other. This physical bond, propelled by an addicting combination of oxytocin, endorphins, and vasopressin, is intoxicating beyond belief. But how do you go deeper? Where do sex and spirituality intertwine? How do you transform your physical relationship into something more profound?
1. Change Your Approach to Sex and Spirituality
Often, we look at having sex with our partner as a means to an end. It’s an orgasm, the last item on our to-do list for the day before we can sleep, or how we meet our (or our partners) needs. This attitude can contribute to a superficial or unfulfilling bond. Sex is fun, exciting, and physically fulfilling, but it is also sacred.
That doesn’t mean it has to involve religion, but this does mean it consists of an amount of awe. Stop viewing your partner’s body as a sex toy, a chore, an obstacle, and start seeing them as an altar, a temple, a sanctuary. Approach sex with devotion and treat your partner like they are the most important and exciting thing you will do all week.
This means giving your partner and your sex life the time and attention it deserves. Prepare for it like you would any other significant moment in life: get dressed and ready to go, hydrate, stretch (no seriously!). Fix your focus on that moment and truly be in it. Set the atmosphere, turn off your phone, and go slow. Don’t rush through the steps of your routine or work for a big finish. Enjoy every moment and spend time at each stage. The more you focus on you and your partner’s genuine enjoyment of each other and what makes each of you feel taken care of, the more you will begin to connect on a much deeper and spiritual level.
2. Get Out of Your Head
For a lot of people, having sex can bring up a lot of insecurities and emotional vulnerabilities. It’s hard for some people to take a break from their busy schedules and mile-long to-do lists to stop and have sex. Thoughts plaguing your mind may be keeping you from developing a deep spiritual bond with your partner. Am I doing a good job? Is this lingerie too much? Do I taste bad? Am I lasting long enough? Did I forget to change the laundry over? Can my roommates hear?
These concerns have no place in your bed if you want to have a deep spiritual bond with your partner. They do, however, have a place in your conversations with your partner. If you have a worry, you should address it with them or, if needed, contact a sex coach. When you are too busy thinking about these things, your attention is divided, and your partner and your sex life is getting the short end of the stick.
So do what you need to do to clear your head. If you need to fold the laundry before you have sex so you can relax and enjoy it, do it. If you need to turn on a box fan to keep nosy neighbors out of your head, do it. If you need to set an alarm so that you don’t run late to your next meeting, do it. If you need to turn the lights off so that you aren’t self-conscious, that is entirely okay! Be honest with yourself and your partner and replace the space you are allowing worry to take up in your mind with being in the moment.
3. Get In Your Partner’s Head
At the intersection of sex and spirituality is a deep concern for your partner. This concern should be mutual. Concern here means attending to your partner’s needs: physically, emotionally, and of course, spiritually. In giving them what they desire, what you know they like shows them that you understand their body like no one else.
When you pull the blanket over their body so they don’t get cold while you go down on them, you are showing them that their comfort matters to you just as much as your performance. When you tell them how amazing they look, you give them the confidence to feel good about themselves and enjoy themselves to the furthest extent possible.
When you put in effort towards aftercare, cuddling with them following an intense orgasm, bringing them a drink or snack, you demonstrate that their soul matters to you just as much as their body. Sex then is not just an act of lust, but an act of worship that develops a strong spiritual bond between two souls.
4. Make It a Multi-Sensory Experience
Sex feels good, but it can also look, sound, smell, and taste good: with a little effort. By investing in the smells and bells of your sex life, you can make sex an intensely spiritual event. Dim the lights, light some candles, play some music, put on something sexy, light some incense, clean your room, experiment with food play or flavored lube, get out some toys, eat some popcorn covered in honey and lick the remnants off each other’s fingers…but maybe don’t try all of those things at once.
The point is setting the atmosphere so that it is sensually and distinctly different from the atmosphere you eat, sleep, work, or watch TV. Utilizing the five senses, make it special, and make it yours. In doing so, you make the whole experience more intense and set the stage for deeper, more spiritual intimacy to develop between you.
You can and should expect more from your sex life. Being connected can mean more than just touching. Sex and spirituality don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Try these tips for developing a deeper spiritual bond with your partner, and if you have questions or want to know more, contact Dr. Stacy Friedman.
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