Unfortunately, many women are silently robbing themselves of earth-shattering orgasms. Some do not know what they truly enjoy….sexually? Do you? Why not? We know what ice cream flavors, music, colors, and pizza toppings we prefer. At the same time, we can be open to trying the newest fashion trends, hairstyles, even pineapple on pizza! So many women have never explored (even seen in some cases) their own vaginas. Many others say things like “I can’t have an orgasm” or “I think I had an orgasm.”
Firstly, barring medical conditions, you can have an orgasm—and you deserve a lifetime supply of mind-blowing orgasms! Secondly, trust me, you (and maybe your whole block) would know if you had an orgasm. So, why are so many women sexually complacent, not straying from what they know, have experienced, or how they think they should experience sex?
Well as Lisa Thomas LMFT explains in her article for Psychology Today that “becoming a sexual woman can be exciting, intimidating, and terrifying all at the same time.” Whether it’s fear of being judged, lack of experience, or a general unfamiliarity of their own bodies, many are unwittingly depriving themselves of the best sex of their lives. There are lots of ways to explore—from vibrators to faucet attachments, find what suits you best Goldilocks!
WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
I cannot stress enough the importance of exploring and understanding your body, in my (un)professional opinion. Now, maybe “understanding” is not the best word, but for the sake of this article, I will use “understand” to describe the act of finding and accepting your desires and pleasure points. Also, note that preferences change over time, I never thought I would like pineapple on pizza, but here I am.
As always, there are a lot of factors at play here. The fact is, most people learned about sex from sex-ed, the dreaded “talk” with parents, movies, or our friends’ highly filtered tellings of their own sex lives. (Some of us from porn.) Dr. Jennifer McBlaine sheds some light on this phenomenon, “sex scenes seem natural without verbal communications the characters just know” and the assumption is that “each character’s needs are met based on the smirk upon their face when the scene is over.”
Let’s be honest though, how many times, after sex, have you wondered if it was good for your partner? Natural, but at a point, we have to remember that life is not a movie. If you truly want to satisfy your partner’s needs, ask them about it beforehand—don’t stress about it after the deed is already done. Easier said than done, of course. And to be completely fair, tell them about your needs—they are likely feeling the same way. Who doesn’t pride themselves on a job well done?!
TALK TO YOUR PARTNER… AND BE HONEST WITH THEM (AND YOURSELF)
Emily Morse, Doctor of Human Sexuality and host of the hit podcast Sex With Emily, “is on a mission to liberate the conversation about sex and pleasure.” In a recent interview with POPSUGAR, Morse explained that our sexual partners “have no way of knowing what we want in bed until we let them know until we guide them and tell them what we want.”
Licensed Professional Counselor Ashley Grubbs explains that “the number one issue I see in my practice on any given day: “I don’t know how to talk about sex or what I want with my partner.”Don’t know where to start? Play some games! They don’t have to be between the sheets, either.
Don’t forget to ask what they like! Exploring your options does not end with you! Keep an open mind, sometimes finding out what our partners like can help you discover some seriously pleasurable things that you never even considered.
KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS
Don’t be afraid to pump the breaks! Just because you are open to exploring does not mean there are no boundaries or that you have to try everything. For many people, this fear of being pushed past their boundaries can be reason enough not to find their bliss—sexually and otherwise. Communication is key.
As Vanessa Marin MA, MFT, explains that sometimes people “don’t explicitly communicate their boundaries with each other,” so they “don’t actually know where they stand on the behaviors and fantasies they feel comfortable experimenting with.” That’s ok!
This is a no-pressure zone, find your sweet spot, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything that you do not want to do. “Discussing your boundaries can give you new ideas to try in the bedroom, and it can also help you develop better communication skills, deeper trust, and greater intimacy” Marin explains. At the end of the day, sexual mindfulness and self-love are important. Whether you explore alone or with a partner, do not be afraid to suit up and blast off to new horizons!
Kiss & Tell Magazine discusses sexual health and wellness as well as many other topics supporting women. Help us grow by becoming a subscriber.
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