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Explaining of a Surrogate Partner

surrogate partner

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

First, we want to emphasize Surrogate Partner and not Sexual Surrogate Partner although this was the model created by Masters and Johnson back in the ’50s. Nurses were asked to help the man with his sexual performance/dysfunction.

In the 21st Century, we are Surrogate Partners, like Substitute Teachers. Who needs a Teacher? Many people actually need a Teacher because where do we learn how to be intimate or romantic in the bedroom?     

In today’s world and the use of the Internet, many people are offering themselves as a coach or a healer. Surrogate Partners distinguish themselves and separate from these people. Surrogate Partners are a part of a triad to assist the client in learning and practicing intimacy skills. Surrogate partners (SP) assist with the ability to connect emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, and sometimes spiritually. The ‘art’ of sex is not what our work is about. The ‘act’ of sex is usually not on the agenda.  The triad involved in this journey is a surrogate partner, licensed sex therapist, and the client. We all work together for the benefit of the client.

Clients are shy, introverted, and have high levels of anxiety and past traumas. The surrogate partner therapy treatment plan involves 10 – 14 sessions with the SP and a weekly session with a qualified verbal sex therapist. We have this treatment plan to insure education and practice in a step-by-step learning situation – some books are included for the study also.

Our steps include being present in the moment (mindfulness), clear communication of thoughts and feelings, how to get from the couch to the bedroom, the practice of therapeutic, sensuous, and sometimes erotic touch healing, breathing practices, and awareness techniques to calm anxiety and often holding the client like in a cuddle while they are crying over the loss of years of intimacy relationships.   

 A surrogate partner offers education and practices that are safe and includes basic touch healing. People often ask – are sexual surrogate partners ‘sex workers,’ or coaches.? The answer is No. Sex workers and coaches do not work with another therapist qualified in psychotherapy or sex therapy. Sex workers conduct business for an immediate sexual experience. Sex coaches also do not go through training to learn the Session techniques learned by a certified surrogate partner from a reputable organization such as the Bay Area Surrogate Association (BASA) or the International Professional Surrogate Association (IPSA) and a few others in Canada, England, and Israel.   

 Surrogate partner therapy is not illegal and has never been challenged. We do not trade money for sex. We are Teachers of good communication skills, relaxation techniques, mindfulness, healing touch, and being present in the bedroom for intimacy with the ‘substitute teacher’ who is giving feedback after every technique taught to the client. Because we are Teachers there is always a hierarchy that ensures the client is the student who is learning and will graduate!     

We always include a closure Session (ritual) to honor what the client has learned and what needs improvement. We celebrate with finger foods and a sweet drink of juice to honor all that we have shared.  It is then up to the verbal therapist to assist the client in dating and achieving success in their romantic goals. 

The number of surrogate partners is relatively small in the world – perhaps 70 – 80 altogether who have been trained and certified. Many clients must travel to where the surrogate partner lives and go through a 2-week Intensive, working every day with the surrogate partner and weekly with the verbal therapist to achieve success. In this way, true intimacy is gained and the client receives the full course of the treatment plan, fully prepared to achieve his or her goals in an intimate relationship.     

Substitute Teachers/Surrogate Partners may be needed at many stages of life like for example during the course of aging.


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