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What Is Going On With My Dead Bedroom?

dead bedroom

Photo by Karim Ben Van on Unsplash

Something I see often in my practice is the complaint that sex has become stale, infrequent, boring, or just “dead.” Let’s talk about what we can do to create change and bring ‘fun’ back into your intimacy!

What exactly is a dead bedroom?

A dead bedroom can look like anything, it doesn’t necessarily mean there is no sex happening at all. For some people no sex in three months can be dead while for others that would be six months to a year. Some couples start off having sex multiple times a week and it feels dead to have sex only once a week. 

What we can say for sure is a dead bedroom isn’t fulfilling needs and one, or all, parties are left feeling unfulfilled and let down. It can look like avoiding contact with partners and staying up late to make sure they are asleep before getting in bed. Typically, sex doesn’t feel as meaningful or enjoyable and might actually decrease the desire to have sex again after an unsuccessful attempt to make a change.

No couple aims to have a dead bedroom! It can be caused by a change to the family constellation by the birth of a child, loss of a loved one or going through the grieving process, or lack of privacy. Stress is also a huge contributor to a dead bedroom—it’s hard to think about getting it on when you’re worried about your performance at work the next day!

Additionally, bodies change as they age which can have a large role in the decrease of sexual frequency. Hormonal imbalances, weight gain or loss, and injuries can trigger a decline that spiral quickly. For vulva owners, as aging happens there may be issues with natural lubrication which can trigger more painful sexual experiences. Penis owners might have a hard time with erections or notice premature ejaculation. None of these things will be enough to have a dead bedroom automatically, but a lack of talking about any of these factors will be a nail in the coffin!

What should we do about our dead bedroom?

First, ask yourself, are you wanting more sex? Are you wanting sex with your partner? If yes to both of those questions, there are plenty of things you can explore!

The big takeaway is that a dead bedroom does not always mean you are in a dead relationship. Having hard conversations with our partners can be huge at creating improvement, and ultimately can take our sex lives to an even better place than where we started. Addressing your needs and being honest is crucial in continuing to develop healthy relationships.

Expect Kiss & Tell Magazine to discuss women’s topics, relationships, and sexual health and wellness. Subscribe to our weekly newsletter below and be part of the K&T community so your voice will be heard in guiding our content.

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