I remember last Valentine’s Day as my wife and I had dinner for two in a very romantic French restaurant, a tradition we’ve carried on for the past 40 or so odd years. We left our cell phones in the car, had a nice before-dinner drink at the bar, and settled in for a sumptuous three-course meal complete with champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert.
As we relaxed and caught up on the day’s events, we were shocked by how many couples sat quietly at their tables, cell phones in their hands, texting, and surfing as the waiters brought their food and removed their plates. They rarely spoke to each other and seemed more interested in the “content” on their phones than in the content of each other.
It was sad to see this behavior in these couples out for a nice dinner on an evening that is traditionally devoted to lovers of all ages. While it was nice to see that they took the time to go out to dinner on this special night, it was obvious to us that they were distracted and disconnected from each other and the entire experience.
This got me thinking about what Valentine’s Day is and should really be about. Is Valentine’s Day about fancy dinners, romantic greeting cards, flowers, champagne, chocolate, sexy underwear, or erotic gifts? Or is it about something more?
While these symbols of Valentine’s Day are nice and can be genuine expressions of love and affection, they often are just shallow substitutes for what Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about: a time when lovers express their deep affection and undivided attention, whether it is in the dining room sharing a special meal or in the bedroom making love.
In other words, Valentine’s Day should be about sexual mindfulness and paying special attention to your lover.
Sexy Tips for a More Mindful Valentine’s Day
- Get a babysitter and go out on a dinner date.
It doesn’t have to be somewhere fancy or expensive, just a place where the two of you can be alone and enjoy each other’s company without the kids, mom or dad, or other couples. Imagine it will be like the first year you were dating and went out together on date night.
- Leave Your Cell Phones in the Car.
In case of an emergency tell your sitter the name and number of the restaurant and give them instructions to only call you in an emergency.
- Talk About Something New and Different.
Since most of your typical day is filled with responsibilities and work, use this time to talk about things you never seem to find the time to discuss. Make-believe you are getting to know each other all over again. Share your thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams, ideas, and fantasies. Have fun, be silly, and be sexy.
- Go Home and Have a Three-Course Lovemaking Session.
First Course: Sensuality
Sensuality is a part of our sexuality. People who are very sensual have a heightened awareness of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. They use this increased awareness to experience life through all of these senses whenever possible. This increased sensitivity to and appreciation of all sensory stimuli enhances their sexuality and carries over into their lovemaking. Sensual lovers delight in all aspects of their partners and their surroundings, making sex a feast for the senses
Light some candles in the bedroom and bathroom, get the tub ready, pour an after-dinner drink, and soak together for a while. Lie back and focus your attention on the warmth of the water and the slipperiness of the bubbles. Close your eyes and just notice the smell of the candles and bubbles as you soak deeper and deeper. Give each other foot and back massages. Keep it sensual and erotic but do not have sex. Feel the slipperiness and warmth of your partner’s skin as your hands glide over their body.
Taste each other’s lips, ear lobes, neck, and other delicious body parts as you wash and rinse them. Use a lot of shampoo and wash each other’s hair. Take time to massage each other’s heads and pay attention to the backs of their ears and the napes of their necks, very erogenous areas. Hear each other’s moans and whimpers as you please each other. While in the tub, don’t think about the past events of the day, or what is to come next, just notice and enjoy the sensual delights of your bubble bath. Dry each other off thoroughly and head to the bedroom.
Second Course: Foreplay
Put the softest, sexiest sheets you have on the bed and set a comfortable room temperature. Put some relaxing music on (no lyrics to distract you, just sounds). Use oil, powder, or honey dust and take turns giving each other long, slow, massages.
Don’t worry about doing it right. Trust me, your partner will appreciate whatever you do. Once again, talk less and notice more. Notice the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feel of your partner and your bedroom environment. Don’t let your mind jump ahead of what you are doing. Give each action your full attention using all of your senses. Gradually transition to gently touching and massaging each other’s genitals, breasts, and other erogenous zones.
Third Course: Mindful Lovemaking
Don’t rush or plan ahead. Don’t think about how things will play out, just follow your partner’s lead. Whatever you do, give it 100% of your attention and focus on the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches involved in each sex act you engage in.
For example, if you are going down on your partner, make believe you are a little scientist noticing the experience for the first time. Use your lips, tongue, teeth, nose, cheeks, to nuzzle, lick, kiss, gently bite, and taste your lover’s genital area.
Don’t neglect the perineum, the area of skin between your partner’s genitals and anal opening. You’ve just come from a soak in the tub so the area is clean and ready for your attention. The perineum is filled with nerve endings and is very erogenous. Do this with a “Beginner’s Mind”, a Buddhist expression for experiencing as if it were your first time. Make each motion a new exploration and don’t let your mind jump ahead. Move through your lovemaking routine taking time to ask your partner if there is anything new, they’d like you to do.
Don’t worry about coming, if your partner came, if you both came together, or any end result. Enjoy the process; savor each part of the entire experience without jumping ahead trying to figure out how it will play out. Just notice and enjoy what is happening in the present moment.
Make this Valentine’s Day a new beginning in your quest to become a more mindful lover. You won’t regret it.
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