Intimacy and the understanding of sexual arousal and desire are like unraveling the code to a great recipe; it’s the vital ingredient in making sexual connections that are truly satisfying. While scientists are still piecing together all the details, there is much we already know about how these things work differently for men and women. Join me for a fun and informative experience, sprinkled with a pinch of science, as arousal and desire are illuminated.
Men vs. Women
When regarding men… the sexual arousal and the ‘desire’ for a sexual experience that seems to be inherent in most gentlemen are oftentimes much like peanut butter and jelly—the perfect pairing. There exists an overt lust for sex very often on the heels of an actual physiological response, namely an erection that presents itself such as in the case of Leavitt, H. (2019).
This makes the male sexual response cycle appear quite straightforward and linear, considering that it is most often through visual stimulation or physical contact that it may be provoked. It isn’t quite that easy, however, because a great deal more occurs under the surface! The desires and experiences of men are big in shaping emotional and relational factors, thus complicating the process, which may appear straightforward.
Now, when we come to the ladies… women’s sexual responses are a bit more complicated. For one thing, arousal and desire don’t necessarily go hand in hand. While men may feel a spontaneous desire by just seeing some sexy stimulus, women more often experience responsive desire—where they need to feel aroused before they start wanting sex (Basson, R., 2000).
In women, desire is often more about context: things like emotional closeness, a meaningful chat, or just feeling secure in the relationship. It’s not just about the moment; it’s also about everything that’s been building up emotionally, psychologically, and socially. And yes, societal norms and how women see themselves play a huge role in all this (Tolman, D. L., & Diamond, L. M., 2001).
Beyond the Binary
I have discussed some general trends in male and female sexuality, I must emphasize that human sexuality is complex and multifaceted. Research emphasizes just how complex sexual desire can be from one individual to the next.
For example, van Anders (2012) found that testosterone plays a role in sexual desire for both men and women, but its effects are anything but straightforward. Social and psychological factors may alter how these hormones are mobilized. The present study shows that desire involves not just the hormonal elements but, in fact, is a biological, psychic, and social interaction. Some individuals may feel desire in ways that do not always neatly fit into typical male or female patterns.
Arousal vs. Desire
Arousal is your body preparing for action hence, sometimes it’s called the “excitement” phase. It’s about physical responses to this stimulation, including increased blood flow and sensitivity in your genitals. On the other hand, desire is more of what is happening in your head; it’s that psychic “I, really, really want this” feeling.
Usually, for men, desire comes out of nowhere, just like that catchy tune that suddenly gets stuck in your head. This spontaneous desire typically is attributed to testosterone and can be prompted through anything from a sexy look to a touch (van Anders, S. M., 2012). Women might need to feel aroused first before they enter into a sexual desire—sort of like needing to smell something delicious before desiring a taste of it.
This difference is supremely important; it may start to explain why men and women would approach sexual desire differently. Most men link arousal right to desire, while these two are quite separate in women.
How Society Factors into It
We truly can’t discuss sex without commenting on how influential society is concerning what we do in the bedroom. Gender roles say a lot in regard to sex from men and women.
Men commonly learn that the most important focus is supposed to be the physical side, in which there becomes an intertwining of concepts: arousal and desire (Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E., 1966).
But that’s not the story; rather, emotions and relationships count just as much!
Whereas the expression of sexual desire has been relatively more accepted for women, the notion that women’s desires and arousal are less apparent or less significant persists.
In reality, women’s desires involve emotional, relational, and contextual aspects that make their sexual desires appear much more complex compared to men’s desires (Tiefer, L., 2001).
Hormones, Health, and Seeking Help
How hormones play with sexual arousal and desire is amazing. Although testosterone is considered to be associated with male sexuality, it also plays an enormous role in females. Brotto (2010) has studied hypoactive sexual desire disorder in women which proves that hormonal changes, relationship problems, and psychological issues may affect sexual desire.
In the case of men, everything from stress to age may interfere with arousal and desire. The thing is, problems with arousal and desire are common, so there’s no need to feel embarrassed. Other issues, such as premature ejaculation, which Rosen and Althof (2008) contended can impact your mental health and relationships, are treatable. If you experience ongoing problems with arousal or desire, don’t hesitate to contact a healthcare provider or a sex therapist. Getting help is a sign of strength and an important step toward a healthier, more satisfying sex life.
Finding Harmony with Arousal and Desire
So, what happens when these two different cycles of arousal and desire meet in a relationship? It doesn’t have to be a recipe for disaster. With a little bit of communication and understanding, it can be a surefire way to deepen connection and create more fulfilling intimacy. As we always say here at Kiss & Tell, “Keep the conversation going.”
Talk about it! The more openly you talk about your needs, wants, and expectations from your partner, the better understood and valued the two of you will feel. Take time to explore what feels good and not be afraid of non-sexual touch. Sometimes holding hands or cuddling with someone can lead to a sexual connection that may be more satisfying later on.
Sexual desire isn’t always linear; rather, a lot of steps are involved. Emphasizing the shared pleasure of the experience and not the destination—ahem, orgasm—can be very helpful for both partners during sex. Understanding and appreciating these differences in your sexual cycles will avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It’s just a question of timing and understanding that your needs count.
REFERENCES
Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51-65.
Brotto, L. (2010). The DSM diagnostic criteria for hypoactive sexual desire disorder in women. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(2), 221-239.
Leavitt, H. (2019). The role of testosterone in male sexual desire and arousal. Journal of Endocrinological Investigation, 42(9), 1153-1160.
Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1966). Human Sexual Response. Boston: Little, Brown and Company.
Rosen, R. C., & Althof, S. E. (2008). Impact of premature ejaculation: the psychological, quality of life, and sexual relationship consequences. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(6), 1296-1307.
Tiefer, L. (2001). A new view of women’s sexual problems: why new? Why now? Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 89-96.
Tolman, D. L., & Diamond, L. M. (2001). Desegregating sexuality research: Cultural and biological perspectives on gender and desire. Annual Review of Sex Research, 12(1), 33-74.
van Anders, S. M. (2012). Testosterone and sexual desire in healthy women and men. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41(6), 1471-1484.
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