Sex seems impossible to ignore. It’s on the TV we watch, in the music we listen to, and even in the books, we read. Seeing and hearing it everywhere, you’d think we would be better suited to talk about it. However, that is the number one issue I see in my practice on any given day: “I don’t know how to talk about sex or what I want with my partner.”
Most of them are imagining their friends having these fantastic, intense sex lives, while they themselves struggle to get their feelings and interests out. We think that sex should come easily and we should just naturally be able to work it out, but in reality, it can be so challenging to get our needs met.
We can all agree that talking about sex is important for healthy sex lives, but why is doing that so challenging? Whether it’s fear of being judged or let down, past upbringing or former relationships getting in the way, or simply not knowing how; here are four communication and sex games to keep your relationship communication open and fun!
4 Sex Games
- The sticky note game: One of my favorite games I refer to as the sticky note game—each partner gets 5 sticky notes, one color for each person such as blue and green. Each person writes something they’d like to do on a note and hides it around the home. When the other partner finds it, they complete the act on the note. It can be something simple like “give me a foot massage” or more specific and sexual like “tie me up to the bed and explore my body.” When one note is done, the partner who found the note puts out another one, stacking the odds higher. You can up the number of cards to whatever works for you, or even add a specific color for foreplay.
- Sexual Bingo: If you’re in the mood for a longer game, sexual bingo can fit the bill. Each partner gets a blank bingo card and fills it with sexual acts or experiences they would like to take part in. Trade cards with your partner and start crossing things off! You don’t have to get a bingo in one day, but can instead pick and choose what works for you based on your mood or interest at any given time. The first person to complete a ‘bingo’ gets a prize of their choosing at the end! Finished a typical bingo? Go for blackout for an added bonus!
- Sexual Interest Questionnaires: Like information gathering? A sexual interest quiz can be for you! Websites like mojoupgrade.com or weshouldtryit.com have a large list of sexual topics and interests and each partner scales if they are interested and how interested they are. At the end, the questionnaire creates a list of things that are only interesting to both partners. I love this for couples who are timid about speaking about what they like as well as those who may not even know what all is out there. There’s also less risk involved in a questionnaire. Did you rank something high and it didn’t make the list? Your partner isn’t into that, and now you know!
- Sexual Suits: This one is my partner’s personal favorite as it involves an aspect of randomness. Get a deck of card and assign a verb to each suit. Spades might be ‘suck’, diamonds could be ‘caress’, etc. Each number is assigned a body part. A 1 might be an ear while a 5 is chest. Whatever you draw is what you do! You could get something really spicy and sexy, or also get something very silly like tickling elbows. I love this as not only can it show you something you are interested in that you didn’t know before, but it allows you to focus purely on sensation. An added bonus is the laugh factor!
When you find an idea that works for you, make it as customized as you want! You can add time limits or include it in date night. Before jumping in though, it is important to keep a few basic communication reminders in the forefront:
- Don’t make assumptions. Just because your partner hasn’t explicitly told you they use a sex toy doesn’t mean they don’t. It also doesn’t mean they do! No person has exactly the same interests and experiences as another so it is crucial to come from a place of curiosity.
- Aim for neutrality. A rule I tell my clients is to not talk about sex where you most often have sex, when you most often have sex. So as an example, you have sex most in the bedroom at night. Conversations about it take place outside of the bedroom in the daytime! This is so helpful because it separates the conversation from the action, leaving you more open to enjoyable experiences for both. Approaching it in a low-stress time also increases the likelihood to not catch your partner on the offensive and allow for healthy connection.
- Consent is key. If your partner isn’t into something you are, that is okay! I cannot emphasize enough that safe and secure sex is the foundation to enjoyment. Cultivate a space where saying no is okay. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a hard no.
By adding some fun to our sex conversations, we teach our brain that it’s not as hard as we thought it was and sets us up for another layer of enjoyment. Get creative with it and enjoy the sex just as much as you enjoy talking about it!
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