Relationships are hard and with the ongoing pandemic, it’s just getting harder. One part of your relationship that needs continuous attention is your sex life. There are a number of topics to talk about when it comes to sexual health. Sometimes it can be a hard topic to talk about, but definitely an important one. I have learned that there are at least 5 communication topics that are important for a good and healthy relationship: Romance, Desire, Intimacy, Routine, and Insecurities.
Romance is in the gestures. It’s the things you do to show that special person that you are thinking of them. It is the forehead kisses, hand-holding and sometimes it’s the slap on the ass as she walks by. There is no specific way to be romantic so tell your partner how you like to be loved. Explain your love language whether it is through affirmations, simple touch, gifts, or time. You and your partner need to be aware of how to love each other for the relationship to thrive.
Desire, or more specifically a burning desire can be so intense that it can make someone feel as though they can make it through anything. When you desire a person you long for their attention and touch. You seek them out for happiness and do what you can to assure that the intense feeling doesn’t go away. Desire isn’t to be confused with lust. Lust is purely sexual whereas desire does have sexual aspects but is also just wanting to be around the person.
Openly discuss your level of sexual desire/ drive. Talk about the different kinks that you want to incorporate into your sex. If you are the type of person that likes to have sex multiple times a day/week but your partner only likes a roll in the hay only 3 times a week, talk it through and come to a compromise. Make sure to include non-sexual acts, like sending text messages randomly stating “I love you” or “I miss you”. They are just as important as the sexual ones. Do things that your partner usually does just so they have one less thing to do.
Intimacy…there are so many levels to intimacy, and sometimes for you to feel that sexual need all of the levels need to be met before you are ready to be intimate. If someone is feeling like their partner isn’t as caring about their emotional wellbeing they would be less likely to engage in sex. For most women, sex starts with an emotional connection. Try to stimulate your partner’s soul and care for them, not just on a sexual level. Intimacy is showing your true self to someone, flaws and all, and having them say that they accept you as is. Intimacy is staying up until 4 am laughing about nothing and just enjoying each other’s company.
Routine: Spice things up. Once you feel like your sex life becomes too predictable it becomes boring and routine. Try something new, add a toy, role play, or try new positions. Oftentimes we are so caught up with work and family that we neglect our intimate moments and fall into doing the same old things just because it works. Break out of that bad habit and find the time to explore new ideas.
Insecurities are tough because we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others. If we see others thrive it brings about insecurity, not jealousy but thoughts that we are not as successful or that we are taking too long to complete a task that others completed so easily. Insecurities in a relationship can stem from many things, a previous relationship, self-doubt, or where most people get their insecurities, social media. State all your insecurities upfront! Let your partner know what bothers you, whether it is weight gain, stretch marks, a performance fear, or just plain nerves.
There are many fears, insecurities, and physical/ mental reasons why someone isn’t ready to have sex. One could fear that they will not perform well and end up embarrassing themselves. A woman could’ve just had a baby and doesn’t feel as comfortable with the extra weight she has put on. Maybe there are medical concerns that make having sex a little uncomfortable. Never compare yourself to someone, everyone was created uniquely and moved at their own pace. If you feel as if you are not good at something, practice. Help your partner work out their insecurities, don’t like them to dwell, and hinder them from living the life they want/deserve.
Simply put…understanding the basic needs of your partner can help alleviate most problems within the relationship. For a relationship to last understanding is just as important as communication. It’s not enough for you to listen to what your partner says, you have to hear them. Follow the physical signs as well as the verbal ones. Your partner said that she is fine but her body language portrays that something is wrong. Stay with her but give her a few moments to gather her thoughts and she will eventually tell you what’s on her mind.
My boyfriend sent me a video that asked the question, “Do you love your wife? What was the day that love happened?” The video speaks about consistency and that his wife didn’t fall in love because he did one or two things but it was an accumulation of things.
It was the consistency, the consideration, and the overall process of caring for another person without thought. You don’t fall in love the first day you meet someone, you fall sometimes rather quickly because they prove every day that you are the light in a world of darkness. Relationships are hard but if you communicate, understand your partner, and remember that no one is perfect the relationship will endure.
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