The Rainbow of Pain and Pleasure

We like to think of pain and pleasure as opposites, but they’re actually inseparable. As a certified sex therapist, I have begun to explore the nuances of sexual experiences that are shaped by emotional, psychological, cultural, and relational factors.  I wanted to understand how sex goes far beyond the physical act.  The main area of the sexual experience that I have been drawn to is pain.  I have seen the need for clients and providers alike to understand the basic relationship our bodies have with pain especially when it relates to sex.

When I have people reach out to me, they are usually coming because they are experiencing pain during sex, and it is not pleasurable which causes them emotional distress and/or they want more pain during sex but either feel ashamed or are anxious about being shamed by their own reactions to wanting pain.

In this article, I will provide a breakdown of how the brain processes pain, which part of the brain is affected by pain, and how pain is not the opposite of pleasure but happens on a rainbow of desires and expectations. So, I begin with the definition of pain.

What is pain? 

The root of the word pain is derived from the Anglo French peine, pain, and suffering, Latin poena penalty and punishment, and from the Greeks poine payment, penalty, and recompense.

The root definition is a bit limited so, I find another definition.

The International Association of the Study of Pain (IASP) defines pain as follows: “An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with, or resembling that is associated with, actual or potential tissue damage.”

However, this definition of pain from the IASP was revised in 2020 and provided the concept of understanding pain being more complex, because, overtime, it is no longer viewed as a simple, direct, signal of physical damage.

The IASP widen the definition of pain using six key notes which are:

• Pain is always a personal experience that is influenced to varying degrees by biological, psychological, and social factors.
• Pain and nociception are different phenomena. Pain cannot be inferred solely from activity in sensory neurons.
• Through their life experiences, individuals learn the concept of pain.
• A person’s report of an experience as pain should be respected.
• Although pain usually serves an adaptive role, it may have adverse effects on function and social and psychological well-being.
• Verbal description is only one of several behaviors to express pain; inability to communicate does not negate the possibility that a human or a nonhuman animal experiences pain.

With the definition of pain being more complex and multifaceted, we can start to contextualize it by looking at the brain.

Areas of the Brain and Pain

Breaking down the way the brain receives the signal of pain, we need to understand the different regions of the brain. The first region of the brain that responds to pain is the nociceptors sensory fibers.  The nociceptors respond to a variety of stimuli that range from intense pressure, extreme temperatures, and inflammation. Then we have the pain matrix which is made up of the Anterior Cingulate Cortex-the alarm, the Thalamus-the location, and Insula Cortex-the context.  This system is influenced by anxiety, a threat level, an emotional state, anticipation, and sexual arousal.

This information is sent to the central nervous system that helps send signals to the body to see if you are being threatened and if not, what is something you can do to respond effectively.

Research findings have implicated that the insula has an overwhelming variety of functions ranging from sensory processing to representing feelings and emotions, autonomic and motor control, risk prediction, decision-making, bodily and self-awareness, and complex social functions like empathy.  .

Pain is biological but also personal, intimate, and changeable. When pain happens, we have neurochemical responses like serotonin which is released in the brain during emotionally intense events, whether negative or positive.

Another neurochemical response is anandamide or the “bliss chemical”, it binds to cannabinoid receptors in the brain to block pain signals and induce pleasure feeling.  Adrenaline, also produced in response to pain, adds to the excitement by raising the heart rate.

Pain is the present moment. Pain is a short cut to mindfulness.  Pain can create meaning signifying transitions and marking special occasions. Pain is only pleasurable in the context of consent.  

The Experience of Pain and Pleasure

The pursuit of pain on purpose isn’t the opposite of pleasure but exists on a spectrum of desire and expectation.

For  example, BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) and Kink, is playing with the body and testing its limits with a goal of pleasure, may be sexual or not, and could produce other stimuli like feeling accomplished.

BDSM and Kink gives a safe context to explore the boundaries of the self within the context of consent, care, negotiations, and understanding of safety.

There are other reasons for the excitement of pain such as safety to danger, excitement, taboo, enduring pain as a challenge and accomplishment.

Pleasure from pain can be the relief that comes from the pain stopping. The pain does not have to be sexual, and it can be a different part of the body that is experiencing the pain like when someone is being tied up, this can signal sharp pain, but as the pain continues there is a second wave becomes less intense and more pleasurable.  The brain communicates that this is not a danger to the body which can help the body relax and enjoy the experience.

Pain and pleasure exist in the same system of the brain. Pain and pleasure can go beyond sex. It can show up in other areas like runner’s when they hit that pain and then experience a runner’s high.

When we can explore our bodies safely, we can learn what type of pain gives us pleasure and what type of pain is only pain.

Exploring the whole body either by yourself or with a trusted partner can be useful in understanding the pain and pleasure dynamic for your own body. It is important to remind yourself that when you explore this pain and pleasure, you want to remain mindful and present, allowing you to move away from shame and guilt and move into excitement and eagerness to continue to explore your body to amplify your personal sexual experiences.

Whether you are vanilla and don’t like pain or you want to explore every kink don’t let anyone yuck your yum and allow yourself to have the sexual gratification you deserve.