The Hidden Art of Sex Etiquette: 6 Kind Acts for Mind-Blowing Intimacy

Sex is an intimate act that connects people through physical touch, whether in a committed marriage or casual encounters. When it comes to these intimate interactions, there are “kind acts” that can enhance the experience before, during, and after sex—acts that are essential for maintaining true intimacy.

These “kind acts” are what we call sex etiquette. It’s a set of behaviors that help create a safe, respectful, and enjoyable space for everyone involved.

According to sex and intimacy coach Kgomotso Masela, “There’s a certain way we behave when at a dining table; similarly, there is sex etiquette that informs a certain way in which we should behave towards each other. Some things might not be taught in school or at church, but it is just good manners.“

In honor of Be Kind to Humankind Week, we’ll explore the 6 kind acts that form the foundation of sex etiquette and why they’re essential in any sexual experience.

COMMUNICATION

This is the number one form of sex etiquette that needs to be done before, during, and after sex.

Communication is vital to have with the individual(s) you are having sex with because sex is a vulnerable act. Being intimate with someone is a big deal. Part of sex is making sure individuals feel safe, seen, protected, and have an enjoyable sexual experience that satisfies everyone.

There are many scenarios where people who decide to have sex don’t talk at all and stay silent, including those giving and receiving.

Open communication comes off as odd or strange, but it is a joyful experience when your partner(s) is doing what you are asking and agreeing to it.

It can be a challenge to communicate about the things you enjoy during sex openly. To help ease this long conversation, focus on these 5 key discussions before sex: romance, desire, intimacy, routine, and insecurities.

Romance: This discussion is catered to couples in all dynamics and forms. Sex is more than just the physical. It can be simple gestures and forms of affection outside of the bedroom. Navigating your love language outside and inside the bedroom is essential and can help bring out a beautiful sexual experience.

Desire: The discussion should focus on non-sexual acts and sexual acts that have you wanting their company all the time. Spending time together doing what you both love outside the bedroom increases sexual desire and non-sexual desire. Another suggestion for discussing desires, specifically sexual, is exploring new intimacy and play, such as kinks, lustful scenarios, and what your sex drive is like.

Intimacy: A discussion on emotional connection through spending time together. Small forms of connection and showing how much you care for them go into sex as much as it goes into the daily lives outside the bedroom. Even for one night stand or daily hookup partners, knowing a little bit about them and sharing some common ground helps create a better bond, which transitions into satisfying sexual acts of pleasure.

Routine: Spicing things up in the bedroom is a meaningful discussion. Yes, having familiarity with what someone likes is excellent for bringing one closer during sex. However, the same routine can get boring after a long period.

When boring seeps in…that is the time to discuss new ideas and forms of intimacy you have been thinking about and trying out with your partner(s). Some examples include sex toys, different foreplay, roleplaying, talking about intimate fantasies, and new positions. Taking the time to parse through what new forms of intimacy you want to try will lead to a stronger bond in the bedroom and diversify your sex life.

Insecurities: Discussing your insecure thoughts as well as your limits and boundaries such as where to touch and where not to touch,  about sex can help shed light to your partner on what to do and what not to do during sex.

This can be the most challenging discussion with a long-term partner and even a one-night stand or hookup relationship.

 The goal of this discussion is to help affirm and reassure the other person…so sex can be satisfying and help better the sexual health of the relationship.

PREPARATION & CLEANLINESS

Part of sex etiquette is preparing yourself physically and mentally before sex and cleaning yourself up before and after sex. Cleanliness is another way of protection. Preparing you and your partner for intimacy is a kind act that is necessary for all forms of sex.

For example, a married couple or individuals in a monogamous long-term relationship decide to have sex. Both involved would shower and brush their teeth first to be fresh and ready. Sex is messy and fun but deserves that extra cleanliness. Being prepared, such as putting on deodorant, having some breath mints, or even some clean body wipes to clean yourself up, is a great start and courtesy for your partner.

Another example is a one-night stand scenario. You may only be experiencing a consensual night of passion, but preparing yourself by cleaning your body and having a clean mouth is an etiquette that serves both involved. Having safe, clean sex is essential and all part of the fun.

Yes, sex may be messy (the act itself can get sweaty, and of course, there is skin on skin), but having the sources at your fingertips, including a good quick clean to avoid any STDs, excessive sweat, and bacteria near intimate areas, should be on your etiquette list when having sex.

TURN OFF ALL DISTRACTIONS

Did you ever forget to turn off your phone or mute notifications during sex? Technology can be a buzz kill when you are in the bedroom. Phones are a huge distraction already in our lives; everyone is accustomed to looking down or automatically moving their neck or hand to see a notification.

Sex is a vulnerable act of intimacy and deserves your undivided attention. No one deserves to be ignored when it’s about mutual pleasure. Make sure all technology is out of sight and put away.

FOREPLAY, TAKE IT SLOW

Foreplay is your best friend when incorporating it before and during sex. For men, women, and other identifying individuals, everyone has an erogenous zone. The main one is the genitalia; different parts of the body are yet to be explored. In some situations, an individual may want to immediately focus on making it quick and satisfying.

Although, did you know?  The majority of of time partners enjoy a slower sensual intimacy before leading to mutual orgasm. Many individuals want and desire foreplay during sex because it helps rev them up and makes them feel excited to continue until satisfaction is achieved.

Taking things slowly makes it pleasurable for the ones receiving and giving foreplay. Foreplay is an opportunity to look at the details and see what feels good to you and your partner.

According to sex and intimacy coach Kgomotso Masela, consenting to different forms of foreplay is a must and should be discussed beforehand and during sex. This includes limits and boundaries of what can be explored during foreplay. A slow and steady intimacy that takes communication so everyone involved feels physically and mentally taken care of; foreplay is the low-burning flame that heats a sexual experience.

SAFE SEX & CONTRACEPTIVE

Having protection is the most obvious form of sex etiquette there is. However, there are instances where communication gets lost, and safe sex isn’t discussed. When it comes to a hookup or casual one-night stand, discussing proper contraceptives and condoms is a must and is a form of an act of kindness because you are protecting those involved.

This includes monogamous relationships where discussion of using forms of protection are the necessities communicated when sex is going to happen.

Dr. Elna Rudolph says, “There is no such thing as safe sex without a condom unless both parties are virgins or in a long-term relationship that is 100% monogamous. Remember that in 10% of all romantic relationships, at least one person is unfaithful. On account of the risk involved, we should use condoms in all relationships, always, even within marriage.“

Unless discussed ahead of time, if not using condoms, especially in monogamous relationships where you are committing to one person and you want to be closer physically or want to start a family, in these circumstances, not using condoms or any contraceptive is discussed.

Again, even if you aren’t monogamous but still want protection from STDs, both parties must consult and have safe sex. Safety is essential when having sex, making it more enjoyable and trusting of the people having it with.

POSITIVE FEEDBACK

The moments following sex hold significant value, whether you’re in a committed relationship or engaging in casual encounters. This time is about much more than just tidying up or sharing a cuddle; it’s an opportunity for connection and communication.

Even if your encounter was brief and it was agreed that you’d part ways afterward, taking a moment to linger can enhance the experience. While discussing desires and boundaries before intimacy is crucial, reflecting on the encounter afterward is equally essential, particularly in long-term partnerships where mutual understanding fosters deeper intimacy.

For example, in a monogamous relationship, expressing the things you enjoy your partner doing and focusing on what makes you feel good is an excellent form of positive feedback you can give. In addition to your feedback, hearing what your partner loves about what you do in the bedroom can bring you reassurance, confidence, and closeness in your sexual relationship.

In addition to casual sex and one-night stands, conveying to your partner what you enjoyed can set a pleasant mood after sex. Even if you may not see them again, or you may get together physically or monogamously in the future, positive feedback on the intimacy shared helps bring confidence to a partner. They learn to give positive feedback when being intimate with other individuals. 

CONCLUSION

Sex etiquette is often overlooked, yet it is an aspect of a fulfilling sexual experience. Whether you are in a long-term monogamous relationship, preparing for a one-night stand, or navigating multiple romantic partners and casual encounters, adhering to proper sex etiquette before, during, and after sex is vital for maintaining your sexual health and fostering positive connections with your partners.

Engaging in sex carries a degree of vulnerability, making it essential that the experience is both enjoyable and safe for everyone involved. By following these guidelines, you can cultivate a healthy sexual relationship with your partner(s) and yourself, ensuring that intimacy is both fun and respectful.