How many times lately have you thought to yourself…I am sexually frustrated? The answer may astonish you and the answer may make you question your intimate relationship with your partner.

Most are unaware that it takes physical and mental power to have an orgasm. The mind plays just as important a role in having sex as the body does according to the Psychological Perspectives of Human Sexuality. There’s got to be a reason why we call it mind-blowing sex! To our displeasure, the mind is notably skilled at playing tricks on us too, especially when it comes to our anxieties about sex as discussed on Healthline.

 Our minds can even cause us to anticipate a negative outcome before we have even gotten a chance to live the sexual experience. A client of mine sought sexual pleasure coaching because he was worried about having sex with a new partner out of fear he could lose his erection. He did not have a history of erectile dysfunction nor did he have any recent experiences of feeling shame with a partner.

It was the potential feeling of shame that was making him fearful. Another client came to me because she wanted to be able to loosen up sexually without using wine. Part of sexual pleasure coaching is helping people replace negative thinking or other dependencies, such as alcohol or pornography, with new skills and experiences that will make the mind resilient and sexually healthy. 

Are you taking care of your sexually frustrated mind?

This is a good question to ask if you are experiencing mental anguish from your sexual concerns. Here are four ways to help keep your sexual mind healthy when facing sexual frustration. 

1. Challenge Your Mind and Unlearn Bad Sex Myths

Challenge your mind to take care of your overall sexual well-being. Write in an erotic journal and ask yourself tough questions about sex. You want to start taking steps to build more self-awareness about your sexuality. Create your own erotic stories where you are the main character. Describe your sexual identity without the common labels (straight, gay, bi, etc.).

Think about sex in new and different ways: 

  • What does sexual pleasure mean to you without an orgasm?
  • Write a list of everything that is concerning you and try to assess the source of the concern. For example, are you concerned you are taking too long to have an orgasm? 

2. Talk About Sex with Someone Other Than Your Partner

It can be refreshing to talk about sexuality without the pressure of having it. Once you’ve had some time to think about sex more complexly, talk with a close friend or a professional. They can give you new insights and perspectives that will lead you back to challenging your mind. 

Depending on your needs, a sex therapist or a sex coach would be a great professional option. Resiliency is an important trait to have for your sex life, especially if you are fearful of rejection and shame. A professional will help you challenge your negative thinking and teach you skills to build resiliency.

3. Meet Your Other Physical and Safety Needs

If you’re too tired, don’t pressure yourself to make sex work. It may be better to wait in the morning or on another day. Sex after a stressful day may work for your schedule, but not for your mind. There is no authority telling you to have sex at night, so if you can make it work with your schedule, start your day with sex as your mind and body will be rested. 

There are definitely reasons to be concerned about things like safety, but you should not have a constant worrying feeling clouding your mind. Speak up about any concerns you have about trying any new sexual activities. Communicate in advance about safety words and non-verbal cues to stop.  

4. Take a Break

One you start to unlearn the myths about sexuality, you’ll be more comfortable with what is normal for you. If you need to take a break to drink water for a few minutes or stand in front of a fan to cool down, there is no shame in needing that. If you need to give yourself a mental break from pornography, try utilizing the erotic journal to rely on your own sexual creativity, not someone else’s.  A break will give you time to build your resilience and confidence.   

Despite our eagerness for an orgasmic treat, our minds have the power to play tricks on us. With new skills and heightened awareness, we can create a better connection between our body and mind. 

Kiss & Tell Magazine discusses sexual health and women’s issues. Subscribe to our weekly newsletter below and join the K&T community. 

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